On being the father of a 16 year old: Unplanned benefits

My work life is a series of controlled scheduled actions.  My daughter’s birthday provides the opportunity to reflect on the value of unplanned events.

We did not plan on having a daughter.  That said, Theresa and I became aware of certain biological realities soon after we were married.  If you do not plan on having kids, the statistical odds are that you will.  But we cannot say we  made a strategic choice when to have a child.

I did not plan on having my daughter share my tastes in movies, cartoons and all things super hero.  Sure, we watch cartoons together when she was in her high-chair.  I placed a controller in her hand as I played video games until she was old enough to teach me how to play.  Zoe and I walked to the video store every Saturday morning to each pick out a $1 movie for the morning.  I allayed the fears of a seven year old by explaining the black and white Godzilla was a man in a rubber suit.  We created a tradition of eating candy and watching movies while I did the weekend ironing.  But even as we graduate from Gamera to the more mature X-Men, I could not have predicted enjoying Iron Man 2 with her as much as I did.

We did not plan on having my daughter develop into the intelligent, beautiful person that she is.  From my experience with failing beginning French, I could not predict she would have a scholarship in Chinese.   While I have an appreciation of math, I would never guess she would be preparing to become an astrophysicist.  My poor performance and resulting low inclination towards high school team sports make me amazed at her dedication to her basketball team.  These are differences I could never have guessed.

Planned versus unplanned experiences: Being versus doing

My work life is a paradox of controlled chaos.  I carefully map out projects spanning several months and resources valued at hundreds of thousands of dollars, yet what will happen on a given day often feels random.  For the life of a manager, control and order are typically “good” and unplanned events are identified as risks to be identified and mitigated.  Compounded unplanned events increase stress and give the perception of management incompetence.

In contrast to my attempts at a controlled work life, raising my daughter is more a series of unplanned actions typified by doing what feels to be right at the time.  Attempts towards structure consist of planning out which movies we will watch, which games we will play, and when.  When we hang out, it does not matter what we do, just that we are together when we do it.

While I can predict the outcomes of stress of unplanned events from a manager’s perspective at work, I did not predict the outcomes of my relationship with my daughter.  I reflect on how this relationship has fundamentally changed who I am.

Through a series of countless unplanned experiences leading up to my daughter’s 16^th birthday, I have found a friend who I would lay down my life for.  I have experienced the joys of life compounded through the eyes of another, seeing things for the first time.  I have placed hope in the future of another with potential greater than my own.

My work life is all consuming, demanding more and more attention to keep it in planned control as the company grows.  The more time I spend with my daughter, the less that time has to be planned to allow those unplanned events to make me a better man.  I look forward to another year with my daughter, conscious of the need to rebalance the emphasis between doing and being.

Zoe, I can say the greatest unplanned event in our lives has been loving you.

Thank you.  Happy Birthday.